As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.
Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!
So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂
In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.
Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?
I am renting a room at the present moment for another month. The room situation is fine. The bathroom situation is getting on my last nerve. There is a young couple who rents the other room in this house. We have to share a bathroom. I’ve shared a bathroom before, in fact, up until I was 24, I had always shared a bathroom, and since then it has been on and off. This current situation is the worst though. Pretty much anytime I need to be in there, you know to shower, cause I have someplace that I have to be. They are in there! Best part, I have only met them once, and I am not one for knocking on the door and demanding my precious shower time. The inner me wants to bang loudly and scream let me in dammit! You are always freakin in there! Others need to use the bathroom too!!! However, instead I poke me head out of my room and if they are in there I silently curse to myself and close my door waiting for them to finally get the hell out of there. Oh the joys of sharing a bathroom!
1. To refrain from noticing or recognizing: to ignore insulting remarks.
2. Law . (of a grand jury) to reject (a bill of indictment), as on the grounds of insufficient evidence.
Things that piss me off more than anything…being ignored! I hate this passive aggressive form of communication…it drives me nuts! Seriously, if you don’t want to communicate anymore with me then just write me and let me know. I have been emailing my ex, nothing major, we have just been catching up. It was nice. So, I decided to write him and let him know that I am moving to Sydney in September, after all I thought it would be a nice gesture to let him know from me instead of through the grape vine. I guess not, cause I never heard back from him. This is the first time he has not written me back. I am kicking myself for being nice to him and writing him a heartfelt email. I’m an idiot! And I hate him. I wish I didn’t care. Like REALLY wish I didn’t care. Being ignored is the worse feeling ever!! 😦
Its been awhile since I have had a good rant session on this thing, life has just been a little bit consumed with moving, but it is time to bring it back…so here goes…
What the HELL happened to loyalty? Seriously, does no one value friendship anymore? Do dysfunctional relationships mean more than life long friendships? REALLY??? I found out tonight that yet another friend, Steve, is screwing over a longtime friend, Clay, for a girl…I want to throw up it makes me SO sick! Not only did this girl not treat Clay very good, she dumped him right after her birthday and just a few days before his. What is wrong with people! It’s not going to work, it never does, so is it really worth screwing over a friend that you had for the past 7 years…AHH…I just want to scream! Good job Steve…way to wait all of 5 seconds before diving in on that. And it gets better Steve got out of a relationship like 2 minutes ago. People suck. I don’t get it and I never will.
Stupid people…stupid people piss me off! The older I get, the more stupidity I see. I expect certain behavior from high school students, and even those in college/early 20s, but by the time you reach your 30s…really!?! I don’t get it. When everyone around you is telling you that this is a bad idea…maybe it is! I give up! I know I have made some not so hot decisions in my past and not listened to my friends, but I knew the whole time that what I was doing was stupid and might not have the best outcome. I was not blind to the fact that it may not be the best decision I could make for myself, but at least I knew that. I am sick and tired of watching my friends fuck up their lives when everyone is telling them to run away. Stupidity lies hand in hand with selfishness. Stupidity only thinks about themselves and how they feel, not anyone else. More than anything else, I am done watching stupidity “win”. It is so hard for me to watch people blatantly make the wrong decision, where everyone else see’s how wrong it is. Sometimes I just want to slap them across the face to smack some sense into them. Ugh!
Remember my “friend” who back-stabbed me? Well, she and my ex are apparently talking about getting married…SHE IS NOT EVEN DIVORCED YET! She has not even filed. They can do what they want, they are both adults, but seriously…his ex-wife has the same name and personality…sick! It makes my skin crawl thinking about it. I shouldn’t care, but I do. I miss my friends and wish all of this had never happened. I hope that someday I can look back and understand why everything had to change the way it did.
Things that annoy me…celebrity worship. I don’t get it…at all. I just assumed that someone who is famous is a person just like me, yes they may have more money and fame, but they still take craps like all the rest of us…right? This is being brought on due to an ex American idol contestant. This kid is a nobody, he didn’t make it very far, I believe he made it to the top 30 and then got cut. Well, because he was on American Idol, everyone I know is making a huge freakin deal about it. He recently gave a concert and signed autographs and everyone was all up in arms about it. I didn’t go, because I don’t care. He is a kid with a moderate amount of talent, I know a TON of musicians who are far more talented than this kid, but because they have not gotten their 15 minutes of fame no one thinks twice about them. It is irritating how our society idolizes fame over talent. Yes, fame and talent can go together, but 9 out of 10 times it does not. Have you seen all the reality show’s lately? Anyone can be famous for doing absolutely nothing other than being a huge bitch or giant ass. I don’t understand my culture, for once it would be nice to see someone receive recognition and fame for being excellent at something, and on top of that being a genuinely nice person, not an arrogant fool. So here’s to you America, you wonder why we are failing as a country, well look around at who you put your hope in, who grabs your attention, and who you try to emulate.