Every Once and Awhile I Revert Back to a 13 Year Old Girl

So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂

In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being  a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.

Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?


The Things You Hear at Wedding

I have been working a lot of weddings lately. I somehow fell into this side business without looking for it. Most of the weddings that I work are very high end, beautiful affairs. On most weddings I am the lead to the planner. Its fun, but the best part is getting to observe the guests. I am fascinated by human behavior and interaction. Because I am there to make sure that everything goes smoothly, you learn how to be pretty much invisible. When you are working a wedding, the guests really don’t notice you. Especially when most of the guests come from pretty elaborate backgrounds. This last weekends wedding was no different. What struck me the most was the conversations that were being had.

For the bride it was her first wedding, at 40. The groom had been married before and had children. What I find so interesting as a single girl is the amount of cynicism towards marriage at almost every wedding I work. What is even more interesting, is that it is not coming from the  single people. The cynicism is most commonly from the married ones. One woman there was just going through a divorce and I overheard her telling another that it’s better to just be single, marriage isn’t worth it. Later in the evening, I was working and happened to hear a table discussing how hard marriage is. One of the people at the table had been married for 25 years. She said, marriage is work, no one tells you that before your married. Another man at the same table was talking about the end of his marriage. How he had no idea that work would be required to maintain a successful marriage.

I have spent most of my life being what you would call a “late bloomer”. I was the last to go through puberty, the last to hit her growth spurt, and now I am the last among my friends to get married and have kids. I’ve always hated being last, but now, its is turning out to be a good thing. I know marriage is hard work. I’ve watched as marriages have succeeded and failed. The success come from hard work and good communications, from continual pursuit of your spouse. The failures, well…it takes two to fail and being selfish will always end your marriage. People are innately selfish, it’s hard work to deny yourself and put someone else’s feelings before your own.

After working many weddings this summer, sometimes I’m not sure if I want to get married. I want a family, but not if it is going to fail. I refuse to be a statistic, and if I finally do get married, I hope being a late bloomer pays off and I’ll remember that to be  a success, you have to work.

The Art of Self Discipline

Self discipline. I used to rock at it. I was the kid who was never told to practice, I just did it. My parents told me to stop sucking my thumb I quit that day, never did it again. They did bribe me with a little kid makeup kit that I had, had my eye on for quite some time. The point is once I put my mind to something I normally don’t stop until I accomplish it. I used to bite my nails to the point of them bleeding. In 6th grade I took a look at my hand one day and decided that I didn’t like the way it looked and that moment I stopped biting my nails. I have a great amount of self control. I am blessed that addictions and addictive personality issues have never really been a problem for me. However, as of late I am having a horrible time being motivated. My room looks like my hamper blew up in it. I don’t even want to touch on how gross my bathroom is right now. Oh and my car is also a disaster, its a good thing no one sits in it but me. Papers are everywhere in my poor car. My living quarters reflect how I feel inside. Chaos! Part of it I can blame on my personality. According to Myers Briggs my MBTI type is an EXFP so I fluctuate between an ENFP and an ESFP. Which means that I am not the most organized. But it is time to make myself be organized. I need to clean things up and then start organizing my life. If I am going to be leaving and taking a giant leap of faith and moving halfway across the world, I better start getting things organized now.

I talked to Kylie the other day. She called me from Australia. It was so great to hear her voice! Thing’s are starting to be put into motion. If I move, I will leave here late August, early September. Everything is starting to line up. My roommate and her boyfriend went ring shopping last week. So she will be moving out soon to get married. Our lease is up in June and my clients all take a break in July/August. I will miss my friends terribly and I hate the idea of missing many of my friends kids first birthdays, but my heart is just not here anymore. I am so done with playing it safe. I am done with being OK with mediocrity. I want to learn this lesson now and not look back when I am 50 and wonder what happened to my life. How come I never had any great adventures. I don’t want to limit what God can do in my life and so far that is all I have ever done. It’s time to really learn to live this life that I have been given and stop sitting on the sidelines. I have always wanted great things for my life, so why have I settled for less? It is time to stop being lazy and regain my discipline. Big changes are coming, and I can’t wait to see what they bring!

Personality Test’s – The Enneagram

I love Psychology! At one point I went back to school and took a bunch of classes in order to go back and get my masters in marriage and family therapy. I love psychology because I love people. I like to know what makes people tick. If you meet me, most likely I will drill you with questions. I drill because I want to understand who you are, and why you think and feel the way you do. I have always been a girl with an unusual amount of curiosity. If curiosity really did kill the cat, then that one day, will be my downfall. I love psychology, not only because I want to understand others better, but because I want to understand myself as well. I like things to make sense. That is probably one of the reasons that I picked music as my career, it is creative, yet it makes sense. I bring this up to give you, my many readers, a little bit of incite into who I am.

My favorite of all personality test is the  Enneagram. The first time I took it and read my results, I felt like I was looking into a mirror. It was all there, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I encourage you to take one of their tests and see where you fit in. I have taken this test multiple times and every time I get the same result. For better, for worse, I am a type 2. There is good and bad to every type, just like there is good and bad to every person.

“Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.” (Taken from the link above)

  • Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
  • Basic Desire: To feel love

I’m writing about this because I have been really sick this past week, like lock myself in my room sick. I have been unsocial and my basic desire, to feel love, has come up short. It’s no one’s fault but my own, that I feel all alone. The truth is, I haven’t really wanted anyone around. I’m sick, but it is a catch 22. While I want to be left alone in all my snotty glory, I also want someone to say, sorry Kara, I’m coming over and taking care of you. People have tried, but I turn them down. Like I said, its a catch 22. While being so sick and holed up in my room it has given me time to slow down and reflect.

I think God wanted me to slow down, and He knew i wouldn’t if I didn’t get sick. I like to keep myself really busy with constant friends and activities. I’m a two, I need to be needed. So I fill my days with activities where I can be there for others. I LOVE being there for my friends, it’s hard really hard for me to be weak and vulnerable and let them be there for me. Like I mentioned in my post How to Get a Date Worth Keeping I like to play the role of savior, and this has not been working. Maybe I needed to get sick, and miss out on all the fun, so that I can see how little I let others take care of me. It’s not like they don’t offer, I just don’t let them. Maybe part of getting out of my rut is finally letting others be there for me too. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll move to Australia 😉