So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂
In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.
Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?
I have been working a lot of weddings lately. I somehow fell into this side business without looking for it. Most of the weddings that I work are very high end, beautiful affairs. On most weddings I am the lead to the planner. Its fun, but the best part is getting to observe the guests. I am fascinated by human behavior and interaction. Because I am there to make sure that everything goes smoothly, you learn how to be pretty much invisible. When you are working a wedding, the guests really don’t notice you. Especially when most of the guests come from pretty elaborate backgrounds. This last weekends wedding was no different. What struck me the most was the conversations that were being had.
For the bride it was her first wedding, at 40. The groom had been married before and had children. What I find so interesting as a single girl is the amount of cynicism towards marriage at almost every wedding I work. What is even more interesting, is that it is not coming from the single people. The cynicism is most commonly from the married ones. One woman there was just going through a divorce and I overheard her telling another that it’s better to just be single, marriage isn’t worth it. Later in the evening, I was working and happened to hear a table discussing how hard marriage is. One of the people at the table had been married for 25 years. She said, marriage is work, no one tells you that before your married. Another man at the same table was talking about the end of his marriage. How he had no idea that work would be required to maintain a successful marriage.
I have spent most of my life being what you would call a “late bloomer”. I was the last to go through puberty, the last to hit her growth spurt, and now I am the last among my friends to get married and have kids. I’ve always hated being last, but now, its is turning out to be a good thing. I know marriage is hard work. I’ve watched as marriages have succeeded and failed. The success come from hard work and good communications, from continual pursuit of your spouse. The failures, well…it takes two to fail and being selfish will always end your marriage. People are innately selfish, it’s hard work to deny yourself and put someone else’s feelings before your own.
After working many weddings this summer, sometimes I’m not sure if I want to get married. I want a family, but not if it is going to fail. I refuse to be a statistic, and if I finally do get married, I hope being a late bloomer pays off and I’ll remember that to be a success, you have to work.
Life is complex and as I get ready to move my whole life, I am in awe of how God has brought me to this place. I like to view my life as a complex puzzle, that God is working on. He knows what the final picture will look like, but all I see is a jumbled mess. A corner piece here, one with a little sky, and mostly pieces that I have no idea where they go or how they fit in. My life to me looks a lot like the picture above, but every once and awhile I get a glimpse of a finished section. Often it takes years to understand why things are working out the way they are, but it is always exciting when a little piece makes sense. I never imagined in a million years that I would one day be moving half way across the world to Australia, and I have no idea what is going to happen when I get there, or how this all fits into the puzzle, but God does.
It is fun to look back though to when I first met Kylie. We both needed a roommate and were basically set up by a mutual friend. We met for jamba juice, because neither one of us drinks coffee and became instant friends. We lived together for over two and a half years and they day we moved out we cried. I figured we would be roommates until one of us got married, but instead we were roommates until she was offered a job in Athens, Greece. In an instant everything changed and I went on to become somewhat of a vagabond moving from place to place, as my new roommates just kept getting married on me, while I continued to date the wrong guy. Kylie and I kept in touch through skype and her visits back to the US. I missed my roommate. While she is in Athens, through divine intervention she meets Alec an Australian via internet dating. They fell in love, she moved to Australia, and they got married. I don’t think either one of us while we were sitting outside drinking our smoothies ever envisioned that we would one day be living in Sydney. Through this whole experience, God is teaching me just how real Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
We all had one growing up, that special blanket or stuffed animal that for one reason or another would mean safety. I remember being a small child and crying because something upset me, and what would make me feel better…my green and white ducky blanket. It made me feel safe and protected. When my toddlers get upset they ask for their mommy or their blankie. They use it to hide, and they use it for comfort. With that said, I been traveling A LOT these past few months and I love to people watch.
So there I was waiting for my ride to come and pick me up from the airport, I decided to watch everyone around me, and what did I see. EVERYONE on their cell phone! I am just as guilty as the next person in doing this as well, I just decided to look up for a change that day. No one is talking on their phone, but they are all “staying busy” staring at their smart phone screen. It is the adult version of a security blanket. You feel uncomfortable because you are around a bunch of people you don’t know…pull out the cell phone. You want to look busy so that the weird guy who has been watching you doesn’t come over and talk to you…pull out the cell phone. And last but certainly not least everyone seems to know each other and you’re the new kid…you don’t want to look like you don’t have any friends…so…pull out the cell phone!
I’m not making any sort of judgment call here, I just find it interesting that you go from blankie to phone these days. How did one avoid possibly uncomfortable situations before the magical invention of the cell phone. I have used my cell as a security blanket more time than I can count…and it makes me wonder, what have I missed in the process of trying to “look busy”? Maybe an awesome new friend or better yet a really uncomfortable situation that would make for a great blog post ;). I think its time that I lose my blankie, I am 28 after all. 🙂
You have all heard the expression, a wolf in sheep’s clothing (ps. I think the picture today is super creepy), well I am a romantic in cynics clothing. I discovered this fact last weekend while prepping for the wedding. I hate to even admit this as the cynical outlook still is quite powerful, but if I had some awesome boyfriend, I don’t think I would be so disgusted by all the lovey couples out there. OK, I admit it…I am a bitter single. However, I have never liked pet names, and I NEVER will.
As a little girl, I was a hopeless romantic with an overactive imagination. Constantly daydreaming about how I would be swept off my feet into happily ever after. Well…flash forward 15 years or so and that little girl has had a nice taste of reality. Happily ever after does not exist, and dating a wonderful amount of winners (insert sarcasm here), I have yet to be swept off my feet. Secretly I still want to be captivated, but the cynical clothing that I have worn for so long tells me that I better not hold my breath. At times I miss the hopeless romantic in me who grew up watching Disney fairy tales all bright eyed and excited. The reality is, she is still there buried under cynics clothing. This weekend proved that my hopelessly romantic little heart is not quite dead yet. So who would like to revive it? 😉