As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.
Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!
So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂
In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.
Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?
Today was a good day. An unexpected day. A day that makes me wish I wasn’t leaving in a month and a half. My favorite days are the ones that are super social and filled with friends. Today was one of those days. The best part. I heard from four of my favorite boys today. Three of them I met in college and one shortly after. They are my brothers from another mother. Just seeing there names makes me light up and puts a big smile on my face. I miss them. They all live far away now with their wives, all of which are pretty cool too. Funny thing, when you decide to uproot your life, you reflect A LOT! As I am currently about as single as they come, much of my reflection has to do with past relationships. The Epiphany of the day…No guy I have ever dated has made me light up like my friends.
These boys from my past, I would never date them, nor is it an option since they are all married, but even before, we never had the right chemistry. One of my goals for my big move is to not make the same mistakes I have made in my past. One of my big mistakes has been the type of guy I have dated. I date asses. I date men who make me uncomfortable. I have yet to date a man who makes me light up. I love how happy I feel when one of my boys sends me an email or txt. I feel the same way when I hear from my girls as well. So in this process of learning to live…I have decided: No more dating men who I have to jump through hoops for. No more dating men who make me feel like crap. The next guy I date is going to make me light up. Goodbye Anxiety…Hello Happiness! 🙂 t
So last Friday night my friend Emma and I decided that we suck at flirting and meeting single available men. So we devised a plan of attack. Let’s make ourselves go to establishments with single men. So here is a little bit of back story on myself. I don’t know how to flirt. If I see a cute guy, I make sure that I don’t look at him, make eye contact, or smile. I become stone cold. I don’t know how this even started, but it did and now I am stuck in this horrible phase of being an ice princess. I know that I need to break this trend. I must! Especially before I move to Australia! So it has been my goal this past week to learn to flirt, to smile at cute men. To not be such a pansy. Well….I failed…and I failed miserably! Emma and I walk into this upscale bar with a live band on last Friday night. There are cute guys everywhere…and I immediately revert to don’t look mode. Emma is slightly better, she actually looked around the room, while I kept my eyes straight ahead. Apparently some the attractive men actually looked my way, but I refused to make eye contact…I once again froze! And I wonder why I haven’t been on a date since December. I think I better add this to my list of things I need to get done before I move…Learn to flirt, or at least make eye contact. 😉
Well, my bubble that I have been living in since I made the decision to move my life half way across the world has officially popped. I told all my clients on Thursday that my last month teaching them will be in August. So far my young students don’t know, but all the parents and adult students do. It was so hard to tell them all that after almost 4 years of teaching many of them, and becoming part of the family, I will not be seeing them every week anymore. It broke my heart, because I love all the families that I have had the privilege to teach these past 4 years. Many have become like family to me as well. Keeping this from them until it was for sure has been so hard, and now a weight has been lifted, but with the lifting of the weight comes tears. For now, it’s time to start saying goodbye.
Thus begins the onset of freak out sessions. It is starting to seem real, and now I am a mix of emotions of excitement, dread, hope, and fear. I have said this before, but I feel like I am living someone else’s life. God is teaching me how to trust Him through all of this. For the minute I look away and forget how He has brought me to this place. I panic. So here I go in my last few months of a life that I love and that has been my norm for the last 9 years. Its time to soak up every last minute of California fun!
Life is complex and as I get ready to move my whole life, I am in awe of how God has brought me to this place. I like to view my life as a complex puzzle, that God is working on. He knows what the final picture will look like, but all I see is a jumbled mess. A corner piece here, one with a little sky, and mostly pieces that I have no idea where they go or how they fit in. My life to me looks a lot like the picture above, but every once and awhile I get a glimpse of a finished section. Often it takes years to understand why things are working out the way they are, but it is always exciting when a little piece makes sense. I never imagined in a million years that I would one day be moving half way across the world to Australia, and I have no idea what is going to happen when I get there, or how this all fits into the puzzle, but God does.
It is fun to look back though to when I first met Kylie. We both needed a roommate and were basically set up by a mutual friend. We met for jamba juice, because neither one of us drinks coffee and became instant friends. We lived together for over two and a half years and they day we moved out we cried. I figured we would be roommates until one of us got married, but instead we were roommates until she was offered a job in Athens, Greece. In an instant everything changed and I went on to become somewhat of a vagabond moving from place to place, as my new roommates just kept getting married on me, while I continued to date the wrong guy. Kylie and I kept in touch through skype and her visits back to the US. I missed my roommate. While she is in Athens, through divine intervention she meets Alec an Australian via internet dating. They fell in love, she moved to Australia, and they got married. I don’t think either one of us while we were sitting outside drinking our smoothies ever envisioned that we would one day be living in Sydney. Through this whole experience, God is teaching me just how real Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
So I kind of have a moral dilemma. Many of my clients are taking off for the month of July, which in turn puts me in a little bit of a bind. Well, two types of binds to be exact. The first being that of the financial kind. Basically I need a job for at the most two months, because I leave in September. What kind of job can I get for only 8 weeks? Pretty much by the time I get comfortable I will have to give them my two weeks notice. I don’t want to go and interview for a position that I know I will be leaving shortly there is n point in wasting my time and theirs. Moral dilemma number 1…do I apply for a job and just not tell them that I am leaving in 8 weeks?
Number two is also a fun one as well. The clients who are taking off for the month of July, but returning in August, do I tell them now that I will be done teaching come September, or do I hold off and tell them in August? I don’t want them to not return for August as well, since the likely hood of me being able to get another part time job for 8 weeks is highly doubtful and I need the money for thing like food and rent. So what do I do?!?!
Sometimes I hate being a grownup and with that my mom could just tell me what to do like when I was 5. 😦