I Guess I’m Still Me…

As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.

Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!


State of Denial

Well, my bubble that I have been living in since I made the decision to move my life half way across the world has officially popped. I told all my clients on Thursday that my last month teaching them will be in August. So far my young students don’t know, but all the parents and adult students do. It was so hard to tell them all that after almost 4 years of teaching many of them, and becoming part of the family, I will not be seeing them every week anymore. It broke my heart, because I love all the families that I have had the privilege to teach these past 4 years. Many have become like family to me as well. Keeping this from them until it was for sure has been so hard, and now a weight has been lifted, but with the lifting of the weight comes tears. For now, it’s time to start saying goodbye.

Thus begins the onset of freak out sessions. It is starting to seem real, and now I am a mix of emotions of excitement, dread, hope, and fear. I have said this before, but I feel like I am living someone else’s life. God is teaching me how to trust Him through all of this. For the minute I look away and forget how He has brought me to this place. I panic. So here I go in my last few months of a life that I love and that has been my norm for the last 9 years. Its time to soak up every last minute of California fun!

And So It Begins

I leave in less than 100 days…I have a little over two months left of work before my whole world changes. It is starting to feel real. Today I told my first client that I am not returning in the fall. I was planning on letting everyone know at the beginning of July, but since they are taking the summer off I had to move up my timeline up for this one family. The parents took it well and are really excited for me. My kid however, has decided not to believe me and told me that he would see me in the fall. The look on his face was so sad! šŸ˜¦ He is one of my favorites, I know you are not supposed to have favorites as a teacher, but I totally do. Ugh, my little heart just broke a bit when I told him. And this is just the beginning. I have always hated goodbyes. And so begins the next chapter, the chapter of learning to say goodbye.

It Is Finished

Its done! I have bought my ticket. I leave the US September 17th. It still doesn’t feel real. I thought for sure that when I had finally bought my ticket it would feel final. Yay, not so much. I guess I am still living in denial, and probably will until I tell my clients. Furniture is sold, I bought my ticket, and yet I still don’t feel like I am really leaving. I like to think that my psyche is protecting me from a compete breakdown sob-fest 3 months too soon. Also, like I have mentioned before, I don’t want to avoid living because I am leaving and its easier to stay in the present when leaving doesn’t seem real. So here I go, living in my denial for 3 more months!

In other news, Its my ex’s birthday today. I feel bad not sending him a card, but then again I sent him an email to let him know about my big move, since we do every so often email. He never wrote me back, after I put time into that damn thing. I wish it didn’t hurt. Stupid ex boyfriends.

Kara And The 100th!

Welcome to my 100th post! Not only is this my 100th post, but it is also the day that I move out of my current apartment. I have sold ALL of my furniture…every last piece will be gone by today at 3pm. Everything else I own is either in storage or moved into my temporary room for the next three months. I know I keep saying this, but none of this feels real. I am finally starting to get excited about my move. Like really excited. Its thrilling to not know what the future hold. I haven’t done a big move like this since I left Oregon to move down to California for college. That was 9 years ago. It’s been fun to tell my story to people, because it reminds me of how much God’s hand has been at work in the last few months of my life. He is always working, but I feel like He has given me a little extra encouragement and reassurance. I am so thankful for all that I have been taught in this season of learning to trust and walk by faith.

The Reality of Change

Furniture is sold, visa is in hand, I’m moving out of my place in one week, and last night I said goodbye to Kylie and her new husband Adam. While everyone else was sad because this goodbye will be for awhile, I said…see in you September. This is real and Gods hand has been so evidently at work that I cannot deny his call upon me to leave and go. The only thing I know for sure is where, I don’t know the what’s or how’s of how all of this is going to work out. Learning to trust and lean into the unknown is scary, and I don’t do a very good job at it. I look forward to the day when I can look back upon this journey and understand why I was called to go and leave everything that I know. Seeing Kylie and Adam, put me at ease as we briefly discussed all the fun things we will do together in Sydney, for it will be new to them as well. He is from Adelaide and well, she’s an American girl. If you read this, pray for me, cause the reality of just how much life is about to change is starting to hit me. I’m about to step through the looking glass into my own version of Wonderland…I’ve got four months…let the journey commence!

Leaving This Life

Have you ever made a really huge decision, life altering, but kept living life as if nothing has changed? As if the act of oblivion will keep the coming even at bay? I feel as though I am living that right now. My visa has been approved, I have begun to sell a bunch of my furniture, we move in 15 days, and I am buying my one way ticket to Australia this weekend. I am excited for the adventure and for stepping out into the unknown, but another part of me wants to cry. I love my friends, I love my clients, I love my life here. When I really start to think about what I am about to do in just a few short months I am torn. Half of me can’t wait to go and wish I could just pack up and leave now. The other half of me starts to cry just thinking about it. The reality of what I am about to do, hit me this week and I teared up thinking about saying goodbye to those friends who mean more to me than they will ever know. Those who have been gifts from God, who have brought me sanity, I can’t even begin to imagine what my life will look like without them being just a short drive away. So until I go, I am choosing to embrace these last few months and enjoy every minute with them, and not think about the tears that are to come.