The world is filled with hypocritical people. I for one try, though I do fail at times, to live as I believe. To not say one thing and live another. This has always been something that has bothered me, ever since I was in high school and had my first experience with hypocritical people. I bring this up because of recent events in my life that have opened my eyes to who people really are. I have the flaw of being to trustworthy of those whom I deem friends. I hold them to high expectations of loyalty and see the good past the bad, sometimes to my own detriment. In February one of my closest friends, who I met a little over a year ago, betrayed me deeply. Feeling betrayed was bad enough, but now seeing the depths of her hypocrisy, is incredible frustrating. She puts on a front of being a “good” person who “cares”. I believed that, I believed that so much that at one point during our friendship, I trusted her with my darkest secrets and deepest fears. Looking back now, I feel so stupid. How did I not see who she really is? How was I fooled by her behavior? We have not spoken since everything happened, so all I am left with is questions that will never be answered and hurt that lingers on. I know this is going to sound horrible, but I hope someone does to her, what she has done to me. I want her to know how it feels, to have one of your closest friends betray you.
Today was one for the books, and not just today, but so far the whole week. Sunday, I saw my ex at a wedding. First time I have seen him in almost a year. It made my heart break just a little. As I watched him, I realized that I no longer know this person who I spent almost 4 years of my life with, and it made me curious to know who he is now, and what his life entails. Beyond all reason, I miss him…He was my first love and he will forever hold a piece of my heart. I just wish he knew that. So Sunday…emotional fun! Monday, my clients canceled, which made for a rather boring day, nothing eventful, but today…oh today. You have been a pain in my ass.
It started by me waking up with a soar throat and scratchy voice…great! When you make your living teaching voice it is kind of a problem when yours doesn’t work. Today is my long day 12+ hours and LOTS of driving. I get to my first client they forgot about their lesson…ok, no big deal, I’ll just check my email and kill time. Huh, my email won’t let me access it…it says there has been suspicion behavior. I got hacked. Sent a weird email to all my contacts. Annoying, but not the end of the world. The rest of my day went along just fine until I was leaving my last client…Apparently I “rolled” a stop sign. Honestly, I wasn’t paying attention and had NO idea. I didn’t even see the cop trying to pull me over since I was messing with my stereo in my car. She was a very insecure and kept saying that she was just “doing her job”. I kind of felt bad for her, but now I have to pay for a ticket…and traffic school…with money that I don’t have…And to top it all off, when I get home the roommates boyfriend is here. So continues my terrible horrible no good very bad year! Seriously…is it September yet?
To say that 2011 has been bad would be an understatement. It has been abysmal! I keep waiting for things to get better, for something to finally change and bring a little excitement, but instead it just keeps on getting worse. Let’s recant the last few days shall we. Saturday my friend Ana came down to visit me from Ventura County. She txted me when she was on her way. I had to quickly clean my bathroom and then throw some laundry in the wash. This whole process should have taken me 30 minutes tops. Until the incident occurred. As I was tiding up my bathroom I decided to put away my brand new dark purple nail polish in the medicine cabinet. I set it down and as if it was in slow motion I watch helplessly as the bottle plummets from the top shelf into my sink. For a split second I thought everything would be fine. I was wrong, the bottle shattered and in the process spewed dark purple nail polish all over the entire bathroom. It did not stay contained to the sink. It took me an hour and a half to clean it up and I’m still finding purple splotches all over the place. So when Ana got to my place I was in cleaning clothes still trying to get all of the nail polish up.
We finally get out of my apartment and head over to Lazy Dog Cafe for dinner and drinks. The night is finally looking up, great friend and good food, or so I thought. Turns out the food didn’t like me so much. By 4 am I am super sick and can’t keep anything down. I’m assuming at this point that I have food poisoning, that is until I get a fever of 101. Stupid stomach flu. And then today I found out that one of my friends from high school is getting divorced after 10 years. What a great year this is turning out to be! Australia can’t come soon enough!
*Side note: Right after I published this I spilled red Gatorade all over my carpet…ugh!
Betrayal…its an ugly word, its a word that I have not felt the sting of since high school. I forgot how much it hurts to let someone in, and trust them with your secrets, only to have them completely betray you. Betrayal is a selfish act, because in that moment, the only thing you are thinking about is how this situation, or those feelings, affect you. I am finding that betrayal from a friend, is almost worse than betrayal from a boyfriend. I have always really trusted my friends. Maybe foolishly, but I have trusted them none the less. I tell them all my secrets, opening up my heart with full trust and abandon, because why wouldn’t my friends be looking out for me? I have had a few days to process the way in which Amanda took no regard for my feelings or even considered them, when taking her next step. I have never betrayed a friend, because betrayal to me is one of the worst things you can do to a person. I am loyal to a fault, I will stand by and defend my friends to the bitter end. I don’t give up without a fight, because that is how important friendship is to me. I feel foolish for ever trusting her, for opening up with her, and worst of all, for purposely going out of my way to do something nice for her. The hurt is gone and all that remains now is anger and confusion. I wish I could get some kind of closure, some sort of answers, for why she never considered my feelings. I guess I just have to let it go.
I am doing a one year Bible reading plan. Today my reading was about when Jesus was betrayed by Judas. It reminded me that I am not the only one who has experienced the betrayal of a loved friend. And also, that it is OK for me to walk away. It has also shown me what AMAZING friends I do have. Friends who have stood by me and supported me through all the trails and successes in my life. To you I say thank you! I could not have asked for better friends. Thank you for standing up to me when I am wrong, supporting me when I am right and listening to me when I am not sure which way is up. One friend may have betrayed me, but I have more than I could ever want in friends that love and care about me. You all are amazing and I wish I could tell you how thankful I am for each and everyone of you. You all make my life better! 🙂
My mom used to read me this book as a kid. It always used to make my brother and I laugh for Alexander really did have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. From the moment He wakes up, he knows this day doomed for failure. He wakes up with gum in his hair, his best friend tells him they are no longer best friends, he has a cavity, he doesn’t get the shoes he wants, and he has to eat lima beans for dinner. Alexander says several times he is just going to move to Australia (doesn’t sound like such a bad plan to me kid) and not have to deal with days like this anymore. The book concludes with his mother telling him some days are just terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad, even in Australia.
I feel like I am living out the story of Kara and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Year. 2010…horrible year. So I said screw you 2010…bring on 2011. Well, 2011 is turning out to be 2010 younger, slightly uglier and more annoying sibling. I rang in the new year at home, on skype with my best friend Marie who lives in Seattle, she was home sick. I was packing, because I had a flight to catch early the next morning. I was bound for Miami to catch a cruise. So far, doesn’t sound too bad does it…just you wait. 6am January 1st, I wake up, and that’s right I am one of the many who experienced the iphone 2011 alarm glitch. I was supposed to be at the airport at 6am to catch a 7:30am flight. I wake up when I am supposed to be there, oh and it gets better, I hadn’t finished packing yet. I throw clothes on, zip up my suitcase with whatever is in it and run to my car. I get to the airport around 6:35. I managed to make my flight, but barely, feeling gross for my 8+ hour day of travel. No food on any of my flights because of course airlines don’t give you food anymore, AND they charge you for bringing a bag. Cause no one who ever flies is going to check a bag. One can totally fit everything they need for a week away in a single carry on plus one personal item. And since I left half my stuff at home, I got to spend money I don’t have on things that I already do. Thank Miami for being an overpriced little bitch.
Cruise locations, beautiful. Friends to cruise with, fun. Cruise ship, mediocre. Cruise food, poor. Though I spent the trip with great friends, the fact that the ship was filled with couples, and the locations made for honeymoons, kind of made me feel like an outsider. Funny thing, my friends felt the same way. Not so much fun, oh and I’m sorry, but you can’t see jack when you only have 5-8 hours at port. Not really a fan of cruising, probably won’t do it again. Well, I won’t do it again single.
Flight back…NIGHTMARE. United airlines is of the devil. I show up at 12:30pm to check in for my flight and am informed that I can’t do that. You can only check in 3 hours before. So I spend the next two sitting with my giant suitcase in front of check in. Might I add it was thrilling. No food, starving, no place to sit, phenomenal, so my suitcase became my seat. When it finally is time to check in, I have to wait in line for an hour, and then another 45 min just to get through security so I can finally get food. But wait…there is no place to eat by my gate, so I end up sitting down at a restaurant and spend $15 on an overcooked burger. My flight says it’s on time, so that’s good. WRONG! My flight keeps getting delayed since I have a layover in Denver and their mild winter just ended and they got hit with a big snow storm. There is no one at the ticket counter so I can’t even change my flight since by now I am going to miss my connection to get me home. Flight time on the board say’s departure is now 6:30pm. 6:30 comes and goes no plane, no change of time, no one there. Flight finally leaves at 7:30. We land in Denver, 8:15 (time change, no it not a 45 min flight) my flight leaves at 8:30. Miraculously I make it by running, in heels, past 30 gates to make my flight. My luggage does not. That brings us up to mid-January.
The rest of January has massively sucked. I leave for a few weeks, come back, and everything has changed. One of my closest friends up and decided that he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore, don’t really know why, just know that since I came back he has been all weird and distant. Oh and did I mention he can’t do conflict, he avoids it like the plague. And for a girl who has no problem with it, who actually prefers it to awkward encounters, it is kinds of driving me nuts! And all my awesome single friends have “met someone” and my Friday nights went from being wonderful to me doing laundry and cleaning. I really am happy for them. Really, they have met great people, but I selfishly want things to go back to the way they were when we would all hang out and have our “movie club” (The catch phrase was movie club…cause Kara hasn’t seen jack). It sucks being left out. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am highly extroverted, so the idea of staying at home by myself on any night, let alone, Friday makes me want to scream. January = relational awesomeness!
So now we come upon February, won’t you be kinder to me than January. Please, help me see that you are so much better than 2010. So far it is an epic failure. February 1, 2011 here is my day. I’m super sick, wake up hacking with a sinus infection. I have to go to work because I make most of my income on Tuesdays, and since I work for myself, there is no such thing as a sick day. On my way to work I get a phone call that one of my clients is quitting. Great! Whose bright idea was it to be self-employed again…oh right that was me. I have my first client, who gives me attitude, and thinks he is just to good to actually practice his instrument and doesn’t need to in order to improve. Not a good idea to give attitude to a sick girl who is having a pretty shitty year. Leave location #1 and am off to location #2. I have 20min to eat my lunch on Tuesdays, since I am sick nothing really sounds good, nor can I taste anything anyway. So I go to Jamba Juice. Get my smoothie, get back in the car and continue on to meet with client #3. Construction everywhere…great, I go to take a sip of my smoothie and the genius at Jamba doesn’t put the lid on all the way. This leads to me grabbing the top of the cup to take a sip, the cup crunching in and the whole thing spilling on my lap while I am driving in traffic. I can’t pull over so I just keep driving until I get to my next location. By now much of it has melted and I am sitting in a nice wet puddle with cold Jamba on my crotch. Once Jamba dries, it kind of smells like vomit, so now my car smells like someone lost their lunch in it. I guess that is pretty much what happened, I did lose my lunch. Lucky for me I have an old pair of workout pants in my trunk so the rest of my day was spent being very professional wearing a sweater, high heel boots, and gym pants. I ended my day by buying 5 boxes of girl scout cookies and eating a whole box of thin mints. I think Alexander had a good idea. I too think I am going to move to Australia (My old roommate Kylie just moved there and wants me to come too) and escape my terrible horrible, no good very bad year. Funny thing, I was talking to my mom on the phone, telling her that I want to move away and she said some days are just terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad, even in Australia. Well, what does she know.