As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.
Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!
So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂
In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.
Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?
I am renting a room at the present moment for another month. The room situation is fine. The bathroom situation is getting on my last nerve. There is a young couple who rents the other room in this house. We have to share a bathroom. I’ve shared a bathroom before, in fact, up until I was 24, I had always shared a bathroom, and since then it has been on and off. This current situation is the worst though. Pretty much anytime I need to be in there, you know to shower, cause I have someplace that I have to be. They are in there! Best part, I have only met them once, and I am not one for knocking on the door and demanding my precious shower time. The inner me wants to bang loudly and scream let me in dammit! You are always freakin in there! Others need to use the bathroom too!!! However, instead I poke me head out of my room and if they are in there I silently curse to myself and close my door waiting for them to finally get the hell out of there. Oh the joys of sharing a bathroom!
So here I go yet again, on another flight. This time I am flying to Portland for….wait for it…yet another wedding! Seriously…shoot me in the face. I’m done. I’m done flying every two weeks, and I am done going to weddings. That’s right, you heard me, done! Thank God this is the last one for this season at least. Luckily we saved the best for last. My best friend Marie’s little sister is getting married, so it will be a really fun wedding. With lots of family and old friends. We did grow up together, so nothing will beat this wedding. Well, other than when Marie finally decides to settle down. With that said, let’s discuss flying.
Once upon a time, flying was considered fun, exciting, luxurious. Now let’s face it, we are nothing more than a heard of cattle to the airline companies. I’ll arrive to my flight an hour and a half early, have to PAY to check my stupid bag, on top of the already ridiculous price I paid for my ticket and then they don’t even feed me. I guess I should be grateful that they still have to give you a beverage. The seats are cramped and without fail I get stuck next to the largest person on the plane who feels the need to crowd my already little space with their fat rolls. Yes, flying is fun!
1. To refrain from noticing or recognizing: to ignore insulting remarks.
2. Law . (of a grand jury) to reject (a bill of indictment), as on the grounds of insufficient evidence.
Things that piss me off more than anything…being ignored! I hate this passive aggressive form of communication…it drives me nuts! Seriously, if you don’t want to communicate anymore with me then just write me and let me know. I have been emailing my ex, nothing major, we have just been catching up. It was nice. So, I decided to write him and let him know that I am moving to Sydney in September, after all I thought it would be a nice gesture to let him know from me instead of through the grape vine. I guess not, cause I never heard back from him. This is the first time he has not written me back. I am kicking myself for being nice to him and writing him a heartfelt email. I’m an idiot! And I hate him. I wish I didn’t care. Like REALLY wish I didn’t care. Being ignored is the worse feeling ever!! 😦
Its been awhile since I have had a good rant session on this thing, life has just been a little bit consumed with moving, but it is time to bring it back…so here goes…
What the HELL happened to loyalty? Seriously, does no one value friendship anymore? Do dysfunctional relationships mean more than life long friendships? REALLY??? I found out tonight that yet another friend, Steve, is screwing over a longtime friend, Clay, for a girl…I want to throw up it makes me SO sick! Not only did this girl not treat Clay very good, she dumped him right after her birthday and just a few days before his. What is wrong with people! It’s not going to work, it never does, so is it really worth screwing over a friend that you had for the past 7 years…AHH…I just want to scream! Good job Steve…way to wait all of 5 seconds before diving in on that. And it gets better Steve got out of a relationship like 2 minutes ago. People suck. I don’t get it and I never will.
I have to be out of my place by May 20th, that means…I have to have sold all my furniture by then. I put it all on Craigslist, thinking that I would actually be able to sell it…WRONG! I have bought a ton of stuff off Craigslist, but selling is a completely different story. All I am getting is scammers and propaganda. Apparently Obama is giving away grants….blah blah blah. I don’t want his grants and I don’t want to Google whatever phrase you want me to. Also, I will not call you if all you give is a number without requesting a piece of furniture that you are interested in. Oh and my favorite by far is the person who doesn’t live here, nor do they have access to the internet regularly and who wants to send his moving company to pick up my furniture and would like all my financial information. Yes, I am that stupid to give a random stranger access to my banking information. What an idiot! I wrote him a nice little message back. So if any of you out there in blogging land know a better way to sell furniture let me know…cause I am running out of time!