As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.
Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!
Oh how I have missed you blog! I’m all moved, to another country. That’s right I have left the comforts of the US all in the name of adventure and moved to Sydney Australia. Now that I am all moved I plan on reviving this thing as I have MUCH more free time than normal and the ability to blog. I don’t have a job, or friends, so for now lets take the time to focus on this blog. I have been writing a million posts in this noggin of mine and can’t wait to get it all out on “paper”. Ahh…It feels good to be back!
Moving your life halfway across the world causes a girl to reflect, and redefine things. It also causes a ton of self discovery. My current discovery is a doosey! I am the ex girlfriend that every boyfriend hates. Why…do you ask? Well it is really quite humorous. I have remained close to every mom of every boyfriend I have had. The men may have been douches, but they have wonderful moms who adore me and I them. I made this discovery as the first few people I talked to when I finally got over here was the mothers of my ex boyfriends. I laughed when I realized this. I don’t talk to them. There is no communication between me and the ex’s but I still go to coffee with the mom’s or now I skype with them. Ha! I refuse to give them up. I love them, they have been mom’s to me too. Especially when my own mother is far away and has never really understood me. To the Ex’s I’m sorry that your mom’s love me so much, but get used to it! 😉
I’m sorry that I have been lacking as of late on this blog. I have a million wonderful things to write about swirling around my head, but alas this whole moving my life halfway across the world business is seriously taking up a lot of time! I leave in less than a month and time just keeps ticking. I was hoping that it would listen to me and slow down, but instead time has chosen to be a stubborn two year old and not listen to a word I say. I promise I’ll be back soon. I really have been blogging in my head quite extensively over the past few weeks. Now I just need to sit down and write them.
So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂
In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.
Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?
I am renting a room at the present moment for another month. The room situation is fine. The bathroom situation is getting on my last nerve. There is a young couple who rents the other room in this house. We have to share a bathroom. I’ve shared a bathroom before, in fact, up until I was 24, I had always shared a bathroom, and since then it has been on and off. This current situation is the worst though. Pretty much anytime I need to be in there, you know to shower, cause I have someplace that I have to be. They are in there! Best part, I have only met them once, and I am not one for knocking on the door and demanding my precious shower time. The inner me wants to bang loudly and scream let me in dammit! You are always freakin in there! Others need to use the bathroom too!!! However, instead I poke me head out of my room and if they are in there I silently curse to myself and close my door waiting for them to finally get the hell out of there. Oh the joys of sharing a bathroom!
Yesterday was my last 4th of July celebration for two years. I’ll miss next years since I will be living in Australia. As I sat watching the fireworks while patriotic music accompanied the display I got a little sad. It’s hard to comprehend that all that I am used to is about to change. I have gone and watched some sort of fireworks display my whole life, and next year I wont. July 4, will be just that, July 4th, not a holiday, or a day to remember, it will be just a day. There will be no Thanksgiving, Halloween, or Valentines day. They don’t exist over there. I am an American through and through and I am leaving my home for a land that I have never before been to. It’s scary. I have 7 weeks left of work and 10 weeks until I leave. So its starting to sink in…I am excited, but at the same time, I wonder what in hell am I thinking. I new it would hit me eventually. Who knew that 4th of July would make this all seem real.
About a year ago, a little over at this point, all of my friends started popping out kids. The second to last one turns one today. So I thought I would dedicate this blog post to all my fake nieces and nephews. 🙂 Oh how I LOVE my friends kids. Its fun to play auntie Kara, and now that all my little kiddo’s are finally past the blob stage it makes it all the more fun! I love watching them learn new things and it has been fun to see them start to recognize me and reach out for me when I come to see them. I love it! Round two of babies is about to commence shortly as they all are turning one, while round one for a few other friends has just begun. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but lately when I see pictures of these new little ones, it makes it want to cry. I would really like to put off this whole biological clock thing for at least another 5 years. I mean, I am only 28 and leaving the country in less than 3 months, the last thing I want right now is a boyfriend, let alone a husband and a kid. I love the fact that I am not tied down right now and honestly, I am just to selfish to even begin to think about caring for a child. And yet, I think my stupid clock is just getting started…dammit! So I apologize if I tear up while holding your new baby, I promise you I don’t want one, but despite it all, something is starting to change.