I Guess I’m Still Me…

As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.

Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!


Every Once and Awhile I Revert Back to a 13 Year Old Girl

So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂

In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being  a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.

Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?

eHarmony, An Experiment

I have a friend who recently signed up for eHarmony. She fought for awhile, but finally decided that if she really wants to be dating, she better be proactive and take a step. It’s funny how this whole online dating thing is becoming the norm. Over half of my friends have met their spouses online. We live in a generation where people don’t know how to date, and when you never meet new people, that doesn’t help either. So Rachel decided to take the personality profile with no thoughts of actually signing up for the service. After she finished the test they started sending her matches, quite a few actually, and many of them requested communication. The trick of eHarmony, is that you can see their profiles without paying, but not their pictures. This will drive you just crazy enough that you suck it up and pay in order to make sure you are not missing out on anything good. In comes my experiment.

When Rachel told me that she really wanted to see all these men who had requested communication and had decided to sign up for their three month special, I got really excited! Yay for social experiments! She had ten men who had requested communication with her. Before she paid I sat down with her and had her read all ten of their profiles and comment on who caught her attention and who did not, based solely on their info. It felt like Christmas morning, here she had ten shiny packages under the tree, but the question is…is it jewelry, or sock and underwear? Viewing their profiles before looking at their pictures was like shaking the presents to see if you can figure out which ones you think will be the best.

Out of the ten, three were immediately ruled out based on their horrid profiles. One guy was 5’2 – too short! Another wrote like a complete ass and bored both of us before we even got through his first paragraph. And lastly, another looked to be unemployed and lazy…NO THANK YOU! Those three were put into socks and underwear present pile. five were deemed possibilities, nothing stood out, but nothing made her uneasy either these seemed like they might be good presents. Two however, really stood out. They were the presents on Christmas morning that you wanted to open first, the ones who looked like they might be just what you asked for.

Now came the exciting part, paying…this means she finally gets to open her presents and see how many pairs of socks and underwear she got vs. the new ipad, or pretty jewelry. So the three that she labeled socks and underwear…she was right on. Weird, weird guys! Their profiles matched their rather interesting pictures. Of the five who may or may not have been underwear two were ok, the other three…yay…they broke all the profile rules when it comes to pictures. Pictures with girls, with babies, with your shirt off…epic fail! The other two she decided to give a chance, honestly, she wasn’t really attracted to them, but decided to give it a try anyway. The ones she was really excited about it….well…it is eHarmony. One of them looked like he was in his 50s and the other, not really her type either, but she is giving him a chance because he impressed her so much.

Here is the problem with online dating. We as people want to be with someone we are attracted to both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, being able to judge someone based on a picture is hard. We are bombarded everyday with images of perfect people and when the men or women on these sites don’t fit that, are tendency is to “close” them because they are not what we are looking for. It’s pretty much shopping for a mate. Yes, you do the same thing in real life, we judge the package, but at the same time you get to know whats inside and sometimes that changes the way the packages appears. Online dating sites let you judge the package before ever getting to know whats inside. I’m interested to see what happens in her new adventure. My prediction, it’s not going to be the pretty guy she is looking for who is going to grab her attention. It’s going to be the boy next door, who she wants to close, but will give him a chance, because she has me looking over her shoulder ;). At first glance he is not going to be what she thought she wanted, but he will turn out to be all that and more. Can’t wait to see how this story ends!

Fear My Long Lost Friend



a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.

reverential awe, especially toward god.

that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

The Art of Self Discipline

Self discipline. I used to rock at it. I was the kid who was never told to practice, I just did it. My parents told me to stop sucking my thumb I quit that day, never did it again. They did bribe me with a little kid makeup kit that I had, had my eye on for quite some time. The point is once I put my mind to something I normally don’t stop until I accomplish it. I used to bite my nails to the point of them bleeding. In 6th grade I took a look at my hand one day and decided that I didn’t like the way it looked and that moment I stopped biting my nails. I have a great amount of self control. I am blessed that addictions and addictive personality issues have never really been a problem for me. However, as of late I am having a horrible time being motivated. My room looks like my hamper blew up in it. I don’t even want to touch on how gross my bathroom is right now. Oh and my car is also a disaster, its a good thing no one sits in it but me. Papers are everywhere in my poor car. My living quarters reflect how I feel inside. Chaos! Part of it I can blame on my personality. According to Myers Briggs my MBTI type is an EXFP so I fluctuate between an ENFP and an ESFP. Which means that I am not the most organized. But it is time to make myself be organized. I need to clean things up and then start organizing my life. If I am going to be leaving and taking a giant leap of faith and moving halfway across the world, I better start getting things organized now.

I talked to Kylie the other day. She called me from Australia. It was so great to hear her voice! Thing’s are starting to be put into motion. If I move, I will leave here late August, early September. Everything is starting to line up. My roommate and her boyfriend went ring shopping last week. So she will be moving out soon to get married. Our lease is up in June and my clients all take a break in July/August. I will miss my friends terribly and I hate the idea of missing many of my friends kids first birthdays, but my heart is just not here anymore. I am so done with playing it safe. I am done with being OK with mediocrity. I want to learn this lesson now and not look back when I am 50 and wonder what happened to my life. How come I never had any great adventures. I don’t want to limit what God can do in my life and so far that is all I have ever done. It’s time to really learn to live this life that I have been given and stop sitting on the sidelines. I have always wanted great things for my life, so why have I settled for less? It is time to stop being lazy and regain my discipline. Big changes are coming, and I can’t wait to see what they bring!

Personality Test’s – The Enneagram

I love Psychology! At one point I went back to school and took a bunch of classes in order to go back and get my masters in marriage and family therapy. I love psychology because I love people. I like to know what makes people tick. If you meet me, most likely I will drill you with questions. I drill because I want to understand who you are, and why you think and feel the way you do. I have always been a girl with an unusual amount of curiosity. If curiosity really did kill the cat, then that one day, will be my downfall. I love psychology, not only because I want to understand others better, but because I want to understand myself as well. I like things to make sense. That is probably one of the reasons that I picked music as my career, it is creative, yet it makes sense. I bring this up to give you, my many readers, a little bit of incite into who I am.

My favorite of all personality test is the  Enneagram. The first time I took it and read my results, I felt like I was looking into a mirror. It was all there, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I encourage you to take one of their tests and see where you fit in. I have taken this test multiple times and every time I get the same result. For better, for worse, I am a type 2. There is good and bad to every type, just like there is good and bad to every person.

“Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.” (Taken from the link above)

  • Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
  • Basic Desire: To feel love

I’m writing about this because I have been really sick this past week, like lock myself in my room sick. I have been unsocial and my basic desire, to feel love, has come up short. It’s no one’s fault but my own, that I feel all alone. The truth is, I haven’t really wanted anyone around. I’m sick, but it is a catch 22. While I want to be left alone in all my snotty glory, I also want someone to say, sorry Kara, I’m coming over and taking care of you. People have tried, but I turn them down. Like I said, its a catch 22. While being so sick and holed up in my room it has given me time to slow down and reflect.

I think God wanted me to slow down, and He knew i wouldn’t if I didn’t get sick. I like to keep myself really busy with constant friends and activities. I’m a two, I need to be needed. So I fill my days with activities where I can be there for others. I LOVE being there for my friends, it’s hard really hard for me to be weak and vulnerable and let them be there for me. Like I mentioned in my post How to Get a Date Worth Keeping I like to play the role of savior, and this has not been working. Maybe I needed to get sick, and miss out on all the fun, so that I can see how little I let others take care of me. It’s not like they don’t offer, I just don’t let them. Maybe part of getting out of my rut is finally letting others be there for me too. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll move to Australia 😉