I Guess I’m Still Me…

As I have mentioned before I am not a flirt, if anything I am the opposite, I am a non flirt, a nirt if you will. Yes that’s right, I just made up an awesome new word. I become an incompetent nerd around men who are attractive. Give them a great personality on top of the hotness and I am screwed. I think a part of me thought that moving to another country might take away some of my 13 year old girl insecurity. Because now I am the foreigner…I am interesting if only for the sole reason that I am not from here. I lived in Los Angeles for the past nine years, that has to be interesting right. I have the accent now. Yet, that stupid 13 year old girl inside of me keeps rearing her ugly head. Truth, I am interesting, and not in a bragging because I am great way, but I have had a pretty interesting life. I am musician and I just left everything for adventure. Yet around cute men I become mute. Case in point my latest adventure into the city.

Here I am all excited to go exploring on my own in Sydney, I’m all by myself. I walk to the train station and am immediately overcome with confusion, concerned that I am getting on the wrong train. Right next to me is a very cute Australian boy…let me stress again…VERY CUTE! Here is my opportunity to be not me…after all I am starting over in a new country, be bold Kara, talk to him, ask for help. Do I do that…NOOOOOOO…of course not. That would be to cool. Instead He looks my way and I look down at the ground obviously very preoccupied with whatever is staring back at me. Smooth move Kara. Next instead of asking cute boy for directions, which will in turn lead to a conversation about where I am from, which will then lead to a date and the ultimate end of marital bliss, I call my friend who I am staying with to make sure I am about to board the right train. STUPID STUPID Me! Ahh…good bye Australian husband, we would have had a wonderful life together ;). So here I am in a new Country still being my awkward self and trying to convince myself that I am a beautiful confident women, any man would be lucky to be with me. Yay, same girl, still awkward. If only moving would rid me of my 13 year old self!


Every Once and Awhile I Revert Back to a 13 Year Old Girl

So here is some embarrassing truth for you all. I am 28 years old and have no freakin idea how to be normal around men who are prospects. This was my self discovery of the weekend. To help understand my lovely little issue lets take a step back in time. I was always a late bloomer growing up. The shortest one in my class as well as the thinnest. I didn’t hit puberty till way after all the rest of the girls. This is paying off now in my late 20s as I am frequently mistaken for a 20 year old. Another side note. When I was 13 I had to get glasses, not only that, but I had already been wearing braces for 3 years. Add in the gangly awkwardness of not quite hitting puberty and you have a highly vivacious 13 year old girl. I purposely do not put up pictures on this site in order to keep me identity a secret. I don’t look like that 13 year old anymore. I grew up. I’m 5’8 blond hair blue eyes and a size 0 to 1. Best part, is that even though I am thin, I have a nice hour glass figure. I have been approached to model on more than one occasion. I make friends at the drop of a hat. I mean I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times now! 🙂 I’m not socially awkward. I tell you all this so that you’ll understand my messed up psyche. 🙂

In my head I am still this awkward 13 year old. I have this ridiculous fear that if I pay any attention to a guy he will be grossed out and reject me. Just like 13 year old me. Case in point this weekend. If I have NO interest in him. I will be charming, flirtation, and funny. I will be fully myself, cause I could care less if he is interested in me. This is why every guy I have dated and subsequently have not worked out is because I was not interested in them to begin with. They fell for me because I was fully myself, but I really didn’t care about them. All the ex’s have been guys who have gown on me, like a fungus. You should have seen me flirting with the cute bell hop from the hotel event and the random security guard. Why? Cause I could care less. Yes they were cute, but t0o young, and best of all they don’t live anywhere near me and I am leaving. Plus this whole being  a Christian thing seriously limits my dating pool. I knew that nothing would come of it and therefore I was myself.

Funny thing is, you put me in the exact same situation with a cute guy my age, someone who has the same morals and values as myself and I become a mute awkward 13 year old. With an intense fear that I will gross them out if I even look in their direction. I have to learn how to beat this horrible habit I have of looking at the ground for fear of accidentally making eye contact which will in turn make them run for the hills from my ugly face. Again, I know this is all in my head, but man, its hard work to fight what you feel to be true. I am envious of the girls who are able to always be themselves around everyone. So am I the only one that this happens to? Anyone know how to beat the case of the awkward 13 year old girl?

eHarmony, An Experiment

I have a friend who recently signed up for eHarmony. She fought for awhile, but finally decided that if she really wants to be dating, she better be proactive and take a step. It’s funny how this whole online dating thing is becoming the norm. Over half of my friends have met their spouses online. We live in a generation where people don’t know how to date, and when you never meet new people, that doesn’t help either. So Rachel decided to take the personality profile with no thoughts of actually signing up for the service. After she finished the test they started sending her matches, quite a few actually, and many of them requested communication. The trick of eHarmony, is that you can see their profiles without paying, but not their pictures. This will drive you just crazy enough that you suck it up and pay in order to make sure you are not missing out on anything good. In comes my experiment.

When Rachel told me that she really wanted to see all these men who had requested communication and had decided to sign up for their three month special, I got really excited! Yay for social experiments! She had ten men who had requested communication with her. Before she paid I sat down with her and had her read all ten of their profiles and comment on who caught her attention and who did not, based solely on their info. It felt like Christmas morning, here she had ten shiny packages under the tree, but the question is…is it jewelry, or sock and underwear? Viewing their profiles before looking at their pictures was like shaking the presents to see if you can figure out which ones you think will be the best.

Out of the ten, three were immediately ruled out based on their horrid profiles. One guy was 5’2 – too short! Another wrote like a complete ass and bored both of us before we even got through his first paragraph. And lastly, another looked to be unemployed and lazy…NO THANK YOU! Those three were put into socks and underwear present pile. five were deemed possibilities, nothing stood out, but nothing made her uneasy either these seemed like they might be good presents. Two however, really stood out. They were the presents on Christmas morning that you wanted to open first, the ones who looked like they might be just what you asked for.

Now came the exciting part, paying…this means she finally gets to open her presents and see how many pairs of socks and underwear she got vs. the new ipad, or pretty jewelry. So the three that she labeled socks and underwear…she was right on. Weird, weird guys! Their profiles matched their rather interesting pictures. Of the five who may or may not have been underwear two were ok, the other three…yay…they broke all the profile rules when it comes to pictures. Pictures with girls, with babies, with your shirt off…epic fail! The other two she decided to give a chance, honestly, she wasn’t really attracted to them, but decided to give it a try anyway. The ones she was really excited about it….well…it is eHarmony. One of them looked like he was in his 50s and the other, not really her type either, but she is giving him a chance because he impressed her so much.

Here is the problem with online dating. We as people want to be with someone we are attracted to both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, being able to judge someone based on a picture is hard. We are bombarded everyday with images of perfect people and when the men or women on these sites don’t fit that, are tendency is to “close” them because they are not what we are looking for. It’s pretty much shopping for a mate. Yes, you do the same thing in real life, we judge the package, but at the same time you get to know whats inside and sometimes that changes the way the packages appears. Online dating sites let you judge the package before ever getting to know whats inside. I’m interested to see what happens in her new adventure. My prediction, it’s not going to be the pretty guy she is looking for who is going to grab her attention. It’s going to be the boy next door, who she wants to close, but will give him a chance, because she has me looking over her shoulder ;). At first glance he is not going to be what she thought she wanted, but he will turn out to be all that and more. Can’t wait to see how this story ends!

The Things You Hear at Wedding

I have been working a lot of weddings lately. I somehow fell into this side business without looking for it. Most of the weddings that I work are very high end, beautiful affairs. On most weddings I am the lead to the planner. Its fun, but the best part is getting to observe the guests. I am fascinated by human behavior and interaction. Because I am there to make sure that everything goes smoothly, you learn how to be pretty much invisible. When you are working a wedding, the guests really don’t notice you. Especially when most of the guests come from pretty elaborate backgrounds. This last weekends wedding was no different. What struck me the most was the conversations that were being had.

For the bride it was her first wedding, at 40. The groom had been married before and had children. What I find so interesting as a single girl is the amount of cynicism towards marriage at almost every wedding I work. What is even more interesting, is that it is not coming from the  single people. The cynicism is most commonly from the married ones. One woman there was just going through a divorce and I overheard her telling another that it’s better to just be single, marriage isn’t worth it. Later in the evening, I was working and happened to hear a table discussing how hard marriage is. One of the people at the table had been married for 25 years. She said, marriage is work, no one tells you that before your married. Another man at the same table was talking about the end of his marriage. How he had no idea that work would be required to maintain a successful marriage.

I have spent most of my life being what you would call a “late bloomer”. I was the last to go through puberty, the last to hit her growth spurt, and now I am the last among my friends to get married and have kids. I’ve always hated being last, but now, its is turning out to be a good thing. I know marriage is hard work. I’ve watched as marriages have succeeded and failed. The success come from hard work and good communications, from continual pursuit of your spouse. The failures, well…it takes two to fail and being selfish will always end your marriage. People are innately selfish, it’s hard work to deny yourself and put someone else’s feelings before your own.

After working many weddings this summer, sometimes I’m not sure if I want to get married. I want a family, but not if it is going to fail. I refuse to be a statistic, and if I finally do get married, I hope being a late bloomer pays off and I’ll remember that to be  a success, you have to work.

Facebook Official

Seriously, does anyone even remember life before Facebook?!? Its funny how in order for things to be real, in our real life, we must first make it real in our virtual life. I’ve heard more than once that its not official tell its Facebook  official. This concept applies both to big news and to relationships. Oh the impact that Facebook has had on our society. So, I made the official Facebook announcement and let all my “friends” know that I am moving to Australia. There is no more denying it now…this is really happening and to be honest, I am scared. I’m having SO much fun with all my friends this summer that I don’t really want it to end. I bet I’ll say the same thing this time next year as I am wrapping up my year in Australia. I still feel like I am living someone else’s life.

The Clock is Ticking

I can feel the clock ticking away with each passing day, and as the days pass me by my list of things that I must get done before I leave increases. By nature I am incredibly social I will almost always choose to hang out with my friends then get my to-do list done. And I am not organized, so lists and I are not the best of friends. Which brings me to the fact that I need to just stay home everyone once in awhile to get crap done. I have chosen to play, when I needed to be working on getting my life here all wrapped up. For example I need to spend hours recording all my cds to my computer so that I can bring all my music with me. I need to take the time to finally record my own songs that I have written, and get my website up and running. I need to set up Dr. appointments and get my stupid cars license plate switched over…which I have already paid for. All I want to do is spend time with my friends, especially now, but I need to take just a few days during the week to stay home and get crap done. I get depressed when home by myself for the whole day, or I end up writing and not being productive. I really really don’t like this one bit. I wish there were 48 hours in a day! Ok…I guess I better go and make that to-do list.

The Ultimate Puzzle

Life is complex and as I get ready to move my whole life, I am in awe of how God has brought me to this place. I like to view my life as a complex puzzle, that God is working on. He knows what the final picture will look like, but all I see is a jumbled mess. A corner piece here, one with a little sky, and mostly pieces that I have no idea where they go or how they fit in. My life to me looks a lot like the picture above, but every once and awhile I get a glimpse of a finished section. Often it takes years to understand why things are working out the way they are, but it is always exciting when a little piece makes sense. I never imagined in a million years that I would one day be moving half way across the world to Australia, and I have no idea what is going to happen when I get there, or how this all fits into the puzzle, but God does.

It is fun to look back though to when I first met Kylie. We both needed a roommate and were basically set up by a mutual friend. We met for jamba juice, because neither one of us drinks coffee and became instant friends. We lived together for over two and a half years and they day we moved out we cried. I figured we would be roommates until one of us got married, but instead we were roommates until she was offered a job in Athens, Greece. In an instant everything changed and I went on to become somewhat of a vagabond moving from place to place, as my new roommates just kept getting married on me, while I continued to date the wrong guy. Kylie and I kept in touch through skype and her visits back to the US. I missed my roommate. While she is in Athens, through divine intervention she meets Alec an Australian via internet dating. They fell in love, she moved to Australia, and they got married. I don’t think either one of us while we were sitting outside drinking our smoothies ever envisioned that we would one day be living in Sydney. Through this whole experience, God is teaching me just how real Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.