Calling all single ladies, you know who you are. Smart, beautiful, successful women, when was the last time you went on a date. Oh and not just any date, but with a guy you might actually want to see again? I have decided that after 28 years and little to no success in the dating realm that I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Here is some honesty for you. I can’t pick. Every guy I have ever been in a relationship with has pretty much freaked out on me at some point. You see, I pick the ones that are broken, who are not really ready for a relationship. I’m the nice girl who see’s these poor men as just misunderstood, and that if someone would just listened to them and hear them out, then they would feel loved and all would be right with the world. I believe I have, what you call, a savior complex.
This is part of the rut that I am in. I don’t date the healthy ones, instead I date the ones who need help, because I just love to help people, again, savior complex.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane and see just how dysfunctional I really am. First boyfriend…3 years old, his name Joshua he was 4 and oh how I loved him. Apparently I would come home and talk about this little boy in my preschool class and he would go home and talk all about me. I’ve seen pictures, we were a cute couple. That is by far the most healthy of relationships I have had. Fast forward to Jr High…14 years old, 8th grade. Jared, he and I were best friends and I loved hanging out with him. He liked me, and I liked him, but he didn’t know that I liked him cause I lied to him. He passed me a note in study hall asking if I liked anyone (Remember, this is Jr High, its what we did) and I said no, do you…He said, yes, you. I wrote him back and told him that I only liked him as a friend and crushed his poor little heart. He didn’t talk to me for the rest of the year and the next year changed schools(his family moved he didn’t change because of me). My friend Sarah who also hung out with us had just told me earlier that week that she had a big crush on him. What’s a girl to do? Well, when you are in 8th grade, and slightly scared of boys, you let your friend have him. Always friends first.
High School, little to no dating. This is where Kara the best friend, but never the girlfriend really came into play. I have always been comfortable around men, but I am always the friend, the buddy. What can I say, I have a brother, being around boys is easier than girl sometimes. The ones who liked me I ran away from and put up massive walls, and the ones I liked, just saw me as one of the guys.
College…how do I put this…I was a music major…which means not a lot of straight men. Plenty of gay ones to increase your ego with their many compliments of how beautiful and wonderful you are, but not so great for dating, great for shopping. The stigma of Kara the best friend grew with my gays and my guys with girlfriends. It was always Kara, Trevor (my best friend who had been with his girlfriend since high school, they got married), Drew (again same girlfriend since 9th grade, they too also got married), and Zeke (also girlfriend, also married her) this was life. When I wasn’t with those boys, I was palling around with my neighbors Dillon, Brent, and Jeff. Not only were they my neighbors, but I went to jr high and high school with those boys. We just happened to end up at the same college and live right next to each other. Jeff and I dated briefly, but I again ran away when things began to look more serious. Honestly, I never called him back after he left me a super sweet message, that’s right, I was kind of a bitch. In my defense I blame it on my youth. In other news he and I repaired that and became great friends after the fact. Other than a few dates here and there, college was mostly uneventful with many hours spent practicing my instruments and even more hour composing, fine tuning my craft.
Post-College is where it all gets interesting. I graduate, move back to Oregon for about 6 months and when a room becomes available with one of my friends I move back down to California. Date a short and awkward little man for like a month, epic fail, he was kind of a creep. Then I meet Ryley. I date crashed a double date with two of my friends so that it would no longer be a double date. This date happened to be with Ryley and his roommate Brenden. This began the trio of Ryley, Brenden and Kara. We discovered that we all went to the same church and had all just started to attend. So, we decided to carpool every Sunday to church together and then hang out afterward. I felt right at home with them. I quickly became best buddies with Ryley. After about a year of being friends we started dating and that went on for almost 3 years (on and off). Ryley, was broken, and I wanted to fix him. I figured if I just loved him enough then all would be fine. It never was, and I never was enough for him. Turns out Ryley had severe sex addiction as well as issues with bipolar disorder. He wanted perfection and I could never live up to his standards. Ryley and I were supposed to get married in Oct of 2010. Luckily, after 3 years of trying to help him, I finally realized that I can’t make him better and I finally said goodbye to my first real love. Hardest thing I have ever had to do was walk away from someone who I still love so that we can both be healthy individuals. We broke up in March of 2010.
Flash forward to a August and I meet David, Steve, and Clay. Once again it is Kara and her 3 boys. David, like me, is also a musician. We met in the band at church. At first, no interest, and then as I get to know him I realize wow, we have a lot of chemistry, the same sense of humor and just a similar outlook on life. Very opposite from my ex. We too become very close friends and eventually that friendship after a few months becomes something more. We started dating in October. That only lasted about two months. Funny thing, he is broken too. He is divorced his wife cheated on him and because of that gaping wound I want to be there for him, and once again I choose a guy who is no where near ready for a serious relationship. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice…shame on me! I can’t pick. I am attracted to the ones that are broken and need a savior. But it never works because I end up doing all the giving and they, all the taking. It’s my own fault and it is time to change and get out of this rut that I have created.
In enters How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. If I am going to get out of this rut, then I have to have a plan of action, and this is where it starts. I know myself well enough to see my patterns of behavior, but I need tips on how to break out of this routine and into something healthy. I have committed to reading this book and putting into practice the things that he recommends. I like being given assignments, as a musician I like being told what and how to practice. I like the structure of that. So why not apply that to my oh so awesome dating life. Come along with me on this adventure and see if this book really works. Let me be the Guinea pig for all of you single ladies who sit at home and wonder where all the good men are. I know I for one wonder the same thing, are there any good ones out there that don’t need me to fix them? I hope so, cause its time to get out of this hole I have dug for myself and into the sunlight where everything is bright. Let the adventures begin!