I have been doing a lot of driving the last few days. I LOVE to drive. Not only does it calm me down, but I do my best thinking on long car trips. My thoughts these days are currently encompassed by the prospect of possibly shedding this life and moving onto something entirely new. The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I would miss everything about my home, EVERYTHING, but my heart longs for a grand adventure. I have no idea what the next few months hold, and that use to terrify me. Right now, it excites me. Part of me wants to speed up time just to get to the end of this chapter and find out what happens next. Another part of me wants to slow everything down and enjoy this current page. Life is changing, yet again. This next phase of my complicated and confusing 20’s, the never ending saga, is about to take a turn and I can’t wait! July may hold a great contentment for where I am, or the excitement of a new adventure, a new journey. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I am not letting fear control my steps, and it is liberating! The Kara of 2010 is no more. Bring on the Kara of 2011, Kara the bold and courageous!
See this attractive man, sporting a stunning outfit of cutoff shorts and a tank top. Well, lets just say he is better dressed and more attractive then the men that I met tonight. As part of my redesign my life plan…aka things need to change or I move to Australia…I have decided to venture outside of my comfort zone. Tonight was one of those failed attempts.
Rachel and I have recently started going to a new church. Here in lies the problem. We would really like to meet people, men and women, who are in the same life stage as us. As in late 20s to early 30s career minded, married, single, kids, no kids, does not matter to me. Just same life stage. That seems like an easy request right? WRONG! You see the church does not know how to create programs for people in their late 20s to early 30s. Instead, they label these groups the dreaded singles groups. Guess what, don’t like the label and I as sure as hell don’t want to be seen in one of these groups. The Singles label makes you seem desperate and pathetic no one in their right mind who is a fully capable, semi attractive, or a slightly intelligent human being wants to be labeled as such. “Single” has come to imply desperate and unattractive with little to no personality, in the church world. In enters tonight’s monstrosity.
Due to the fact that Rachel and I don’t know anyone our age, we decide reluctantly, to check out the dreaded 20s-30s group. Which unfortunately carries the label “singles group”. Neither one of us is to thrilled by this prospect, but we go anyway. Why not right? It might end up being an awesome group of people. Wrong again. I once again learned that my gut is always right. ALWAYS! Damn it for being so spot on. Rachel and I show up on time and go and sit at a table with two other girls who have never been here before either. As I scan the room I see many people who fit the “singles” category. The men, fat, old, and horribly unattractive. I believe some were even wearing sweat pants for I am sure that jeans would have been a little to binding for them. The women, looked as though many of them had stepped out of 1985. No makeup sweats and 80s hairstyles. Like I said before, I am bitch and there were just so many jokes running through my head as I looked around the room. Poor Rachel couldn’t even make eye contact with me as we would start laughing at how uncomfortable we were. Rachel mind you is beautiful, has great hair, and is a good dresser. Needless to say she stuck out like a midget playing for an NBA team. It was as if Christian Mingle had come to life. The one male who happened to join are table looked as though he was in his mid 40s and as creepy as they come. Within the first few minutes he was talking about his high profile clients and how much money he deals with. Guess what creeper, no one cares. Most awkward part of the evening was when two other girls, who were regular attenders asked us if we would be returning next week. Rachel replied, well…maybe. Which translates into Hell No! The only good thing to come out of this horribly weird experience is that we were right. Anything labeled singles will bring out the weirdo’s oh and now we have some great stories to tell and memories to laugh at.
Seriously, where are all the normal ones?
Betrayal…its an ugly word, its a word that I have not felt the sting of since high school. I forgot how much it hurts to let someone in, and trust them with your secrets, only to have them completely betray you. Betrayal is a selfish act, because in that moment, the only thing you are thinking about is how this situation, or those feelings, affect you. I am finding that betrayal from a friend, is almost worse than betrayal from a boyfriend. I have always really trusted my friends. Maybe foolishly, but I have trusted them none the less. I tell them all my secrets, opening up my heart with full trust and abandon, because why wouldn’t my friends be looking out for me? I have had a few days to process the way in which Amanda took no regard for my feelings or even considered them, when taking her next step. I have never betrayed a friend, because betrayal to me is one of the worst things you can do to a person. I am loyal to a fault, I will stand by and defend my friends to the bitter end. I don’t give up without a fight, because that is how important friendship is to me. I feel foolish for ever trusting her, for opening up with her, and worst of all, for purposely going out of my way to do something nice for her. The hurt is gone and all that remains now is anger and confusion. I wish I could get some kind of closure, some sort of answers, for why she never considered my feelings. I guess I just have to let it go.
I am doing a one year Bible reading plan. Today my reading was about when Jesus was betrayed by Judas. It reminded me that I am not the only one who has experienced the betrayal of a loved friend. And also, that it is OK for me to walk away. It has also shown me what AMAZING friends I do have. Friends who have stood by me and supported me through all the trails and successes in my life. To you I say thank you! I could not have asked for better friends. Thank you for standing up to me when I am wrong, supporting me when I am right and listening to me when I am not sure which way is up. One friend may have betrayed me, but I have more than I could ever want in friends that love and care about me. You all are amazing and I wish I could tell you how thankful I am for each and everyone of you. You all make my life better! 🙂
I spent last Sunday night catching up on Grey’s Anatomy with friends. I had watched all the seasons except last year. I stopped after Izzy and George died. This delicious man joined the cast last season. His name…Jesse Williams…He is gorgeous. I don’t know any men who look like this in real life. Oh well, for now I will live vicariously though Grey’s Anatomy.
So I have a little over 4 months to figure out whether or not I am staying in the US. 4 months is not very much time, but that is my deadline. My best friend Marie, sent me this picture the other night while we were skyping. I love it! I love the thought of being immersed in another culture, in another world, surrounded by things that I have never seen, smells I have never smelt and textures I have never touched. I love the idea of really starting over, like sell my whole life, starting over. Then there is another side of me that loves the comfort of friends who know me, sights that bring joy, and sounds that are so familiar I know what tone comes next. I am torn, for if I leave, I’ll miss a whole year away from the people that I love, but if I stay…if I stay…I might miss out on one of the best adventures I could ever experience.
When I graduated from college I had the opportunity to travel with Marie to the Philippines for a month. All I had to pay for was my airplane ticket. I didn’t do it. I didn’t want to dip into my savings account to have to pay for it. I didn’t want to have to spend another 6 months in Oregon, so that I could afford to move back down to CA. I don’t regret much, but I regret that. I have lived such a safe life. Taking little risks here and there, but never really diving in. I’m a good wader. I like to dip my toe in and then wade in little by little just to make sure that the water is warm enough. At 28, I have learned that it is time to stop wading, and start learning to dive. The high board looks a lot higher from the ground than it does when you are standing on it. I’m not really sure what is going to happen in the next 4 months, but the one thing I do know is that change is a coming. I need to dive into life and quit watching everyone else have their turn on the high board. 2011…has been a bitch of a year. It’s time to change that. I’m putting this on my blog so that I have proof of what I am committing to. To be held accountable by you, my wonderful readers. So here goes…
1) Actively pursue music, no more sitting on the side lines teaching. I have enough free time in my schedule to really ramp things up. Find a job that I love! And in order to that, I need to find out what it is that I love to do. Narrow it down.
2) Get out there and date. There is no need to be a wall-flower, people will not bite. And if they do, I will survive. I already have.
3) Dive into a new church. Embrace it with open arms and don’t wait for people to ask. Just do.
When I was younger, I never took no for an answer. I just went for it until I got what I wanted. I was fearless. I got older and with that came fear. It’s time to shed that layer and go back to being bold and courageous. So here goes, I am going to give this next 4 months my best shot and if it goes up in flames, then I know its time to move onto a new adventure. Truth is, they both sound good to me. It’s time to start diving!
Happy Black Monday to you all! I for one have never been a fan of valentines day. I think it is a lame holiday. Even when I have a boyfriend on this day, I still find it lame. I have not had a good valentines day since I was in elementary school. Ugh! To make matters worse, I had one of the worst weekends ever. I got bad news, and was betrayed by one of my closest friends. I found out that the guy that I had been seeing, who pretty much dropped me because we got in a fight, is now seeing one of closest friends. She told me this on Saturday night. I confided in her the whole time I was seeing him. And now she is dating him. It hurts…a lot…because you don’t date your friends ex’s. And the worst part is that they were part of my group. I feel like I not only lost a friend, but a social group as well. And once again I have to start over. I have started over many times in my 28 years on this planet. Most since the age of 19. I started over when I started college, and then again a year later when I transferred schools. I Graduated, and my whole world either moved away, or got married. So once again I had to start over. Things were great for a few years and then everything changed again. More starting over. My boyfriend and I break up after nearly 4 years together, and I change roommates…again…cause all the rest keep getting married on me. I was finally happy after so much change and so much heart break. And now here I am again…starting over…but starting over feels different this time. I feel like I need to be making some big changes in my life so that I don’t have to start completely over every few years.
I need to take responsibility and learn from my mistakes. This current situation is showing me 1) That I trust people too easily. I thought Amanda was my friend, and instead she went behind my back. And the best part, she thought we could still be friends after all this. HA! 2) I need to listen to my intuition. Its always right. I had a sinking suspicion that this would happen. And it did. I need to listen to my gut, for it has never failed me. Because of this new development and mass betrayal. I have come to some conclusions. I know I have joked about moving to Australia, but I have made a deal with God. He has from now until June to give me a reason to stay here, or I move to Australia. I’m serious about this. In order to keep me here in the states I either need a job that I love, a man that I love, or a church that I am heavily involved with and can’t imagine leaving, or I go.
I’m torn, because part of me doesn’t want to leave here. I love where I live, but the other side of me longs for a grand adventure. I have 4 months…let the countdown begin!
So I am going to be a bridesmaid again. I found out tonight that my old roommate Kylie is getting married this spring. I am so excited for her and equally excited and honored to be in her wedding. She is a wonderful friend and I could not be happier for her! 🙂
What makes me laugh though is that this is my 7th time being a bridesmaid. It will be the 16th wedding that I am involved in. I’ve lost track of how many weddings I have been to since I began college. Off the top of my head…30? Probably more. Last summer was the first summer since I graduated from high school that I did not have a wedding to attend. I had a bunch of baby showers…4…but no weddings. I am on the third round of weddings this year. So far in the lineup…I have at least 5 that I am aware of. I am in 3 of them, Candle lighter, singer, and bridesmaid.
I’ll be honest with you. I like weddings, they are fun. I love the dancing, the food, and the general merriment. I also really like it when they have an open bar. I like them enough that I work for a friend on the side and help her with her wedding planning business. People are happy at wedding’s they may be stressed before, but once the show is on the road everyone seems to have good time. I like weddings, but I never want one. My friends may hate me, but I want to elope. I want just my family, his family and a few close friends on some beautiful island for a week of fun. The planning stresses me out, and the cost…even more so. I don’t see a traditional wedding in my future.
So, here I am, a bridesmaid again. My goal is to make to ten. I think that is pretty reasonable. I feel like Katherine Heigl…7 down…3 to go!